Grief is a painful and difficult experience for those who’ve been stricken by its sting and grip. Pastors and church leaders are often first on the scene to provide loving comfort or grief counseling. Those unfamiliar with grief counseling can still be a valuable listening, loving ear. And this “listening and comforting” role shouldn’t be underestimated.

As one who greatly benefited from those in this role following the untimely death of my wife of 50 years in December 2021, here are a few suggestions based on what was most helpful to me:

Reach out soon after their loss

Some mistakenly assume the bereaved don’t want to talk with anyone for a period of time. While this may be the case with casual acquaintances, it’s not so with recognized church leaders and close friends. “Close friends” would include those in a church small group or accountability group, an intimate Bible study group, or any other church setting in which you’ve grown closer to the bereaved than with most other church members. If you’re not sure if that fits you, ask yourself if you’d want to hear from them if you were the bereaved person. If you would, they’ll likely want to hear from you.

Mainly listen

Those in the first throws of loss need to pour out their pain. Verbalizing hurt and crying out loud with someone they trust is necessary for healing. Unbearable loss needs an outlet, and you can be that. Tender-hearted, brief responses such as “I know” and “I’m here” are sufficient. Responses such as, “It’s going to be OK” and “You just need time” are advice statements that might not land well with the bereaved when it’s hard for them to see beyond their recent loss.

Send a card

Follow-up sympathy cards (mailed or e-cards) and notes, with appropriate Christ-centered messages, are effective ways of showing that you are continuing to pray for them and are available to them. After an appropriate amount of time (several days to a couple weeks), reaching out again to see how they’re doing will likely be welcome, appreciated, and helpful. Again, your role is one of comforter, not advisor or counselor.

Grief counseling

If you’re a pastor, minister, or someone in an official overseeing capacity in your church, you’re likely familiar and experienced with the fundamentals of grief counseling. While I’m not a grief counselor myself, I’m a grateful recipient of professional help from those in my church who are. So this “client-side” perspective of what was most helpful to me might be useful. I doubt I would’ve adjusted as well as I did if I didn’t experience the following.

Being allowed time and freedom to talk—especially in the early stage of grief

Just knowing I was with someone uniquely equipped to help, I was far more open to letting out my feelings and talking through my questions, while not necessarily looking for nor expecting on-the-spot answers. In fact, in my case, the act of talking, posing rhetorical questions, and plumbing my emotions provided answers to some of my questions in real time. I’d occasionally ask my counselors, “Does that make sense?” to which I usually received affirmative responses which, in themselves, helped me through my fog.

Connecting the dots between me on earth and my wife in heaven 

This was an early, mission-critical task. I became laser-beam focused on trying to understand what she was experiencing in heaven and what I could anticipate in being reunited with her when it would be my turn to go. This quest occupied most of the first year of my grief and entailed considerable research on heaven (mainly from Randy Alcorn’s book Heaven) and speaking with credible authorities on the topic.

The grief processing purpose in this was to close the gap, so to speak, between her absence from me and her current (more alive than ever) reality. The more I could envision and take stock of that, the easier life without her was to endure. In most cases, my counselors were able to assist me by illuminating what Scripture provided by way of biblical insight and providing the assurance I needed that our separation was merely a “change of address.” Grieving church members will benefit greatly from church counselors pointing them to biblically-based books on heaven (Randy’s pocket-sized booklet version of his larger book, Heaven, is a great one) and helping them focus on the realities of the present heaven and the coming new earth.

Envisioning a future

It’s easy and natural to slip into despair and hopelessness in the early stages of grief and for some to remain in that state for an extended period—unable or unwilling to separate from the past and embrace the reality of a different future. Certainly, Scripture abounds with promises of a bright future emerging from this darkest of times, and we should share those with the bereaved. However, being able to envision a full life after profound loss is challenging, especially if the loved one was a particularly close and integrated part of their life.

For me, articulating to my counselors a future without my wife Sandy provided shoots of hope and faint rays of joy I could grasp and build on. Call these “silver linings” embedded in the dark clouds of grief. In time (within several months) my counselors became sounding boards for my future musings—usually reinforcing and elaborating on my thoughts but also creatively contributing to my vision. In this role, I suppose I could call my grief counselors, “grief journey companions.” “Mind traveling” with them was helpful and comforting in the formation of welcoming future possibilities. This is a subtle but valuable role in helping to “defang” the enemy of grief and lighten its load.

Becoming friends with my counselors

My counselors checked in on me between visits, took interest in my progress, responded quickly to my phone and text queries, and generally poured love into me during the most difficult time of my life. I never got the feeling of being seen or treated as a “client” or “patient” but rather as a fellow Christian traveler on a difficult road at that time. Above all, these were wise and patient brothers and sisters in Christ, provided by God’s grace, selflessly serving me in my time of loss and need. Experiencing love like that in my darkest hour was helpful beyond words.

This article was originally published to Lifeway Research.